hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
