So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
