Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
