hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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