Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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