Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
