Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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