life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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