I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
