These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
