so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
