mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
