If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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