Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
