There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
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