On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
