he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
