I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
