you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
