Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
