Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
