Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
