I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
