Your face is a jimmy john
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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