So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
