I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
