my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
