i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
