my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
