I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
