He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
