I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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