Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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