he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
