They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
