Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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