I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I will die if light touches me.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
