I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
