I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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