I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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