Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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