Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Randomize
