I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
