I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Hippo gnu deer
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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