Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
