My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
