for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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