I met the friendliest cop last night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
