I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
