Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
